What Is a Good Divorce? How to Separate Without Unnecessary Conflict

What Is a Good Divorce? How to Separate Without Unnecessary Conflict

1. Can a Divorce be Good? 

Divorce is never good. At least that’s the accepted wisdom. And in a sense, it is true: after all, the breakdown of a relationship that was intended to be for life is surely a sad thing? 

But the idea that divorce is never good goes much further than that. It suggests that the actual process of getting divorced is always a bad experience. 

But that does not have to be the case. 

So, how can you have a good divorce? 

In this article we will seek to answer that question. 

But what is a ‘good divorce’? 

A good divorce is a divorce without conflict, and the stress that conflict will inevitably bring. 

As we will see, keeping conflict out of divorce requires a combined willingness on the part of both parties to engage in the process constructively. This will involve respectful communication with one another, keeping matters out of court if possible, and choosing the right lawyer.  

We will look at each of these things in turn, but first we must examine the procedure on divorce, and how it can help to keep things amicable. 

2. Divorce Procedure: Keeping Things Amicable 

As many readers will be aware, the law and procedure for divorce in England and Wales changed dramatically in 2022. The new law and procedure make the possibility of an amicable divorce far more likely, in three particular ways: 

• No-Fault Divorce – Prior to the introduction of the new law, anyone wanting a divorce who had not been separated for at least two years had to blame the other party for the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, by showing that the other party had committed adultery or behaved unreasonably. Obviously, making such allegations was not conducive to having an amicable, conflict-free divorce. Under the new law the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage (i.e. the ground for divorce) can be proved by simply filing with the court a statement that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. 

• No Defended Divorces – And under the old law it was possible for the party against whom adultery or unreasonable behaviour was alleged to defend the divorce, either claiming that the breakdown was the fault of the other party, or that the marriage had not irretrievably broken down at all. Obviously, this could cause enormous animosity between the parties. But under the new law the statement by the party applying for the divorce that the marriage has irretrievably broken down cannot be challenged by the other party, as it is not now possible to defend a divorce. 

• Joint Divorce Applications – And perhaps the change that did the most to promote amicable divorces was the introduction, for the first time, of the possibility for a divorce application to be made jointly by both parties. Obviously, receiving a divorce application issued by your spouse can give rise to animosity, but that possibility can now be eradicated by both parties making the application jointly. A joint application should therefore always be considered by anyone seeking a good divorce. At present, about a quarter of all divorce applications are made jointly. 

3. Respectful Communication 

It does not need saying that feelings can run high when a marriage breaks down. Even in an apparently cordial breakdown there will likely be things about one party’s past behaviour that irritate or annoy the other party. 

But a good divorce requires that feelings be put to one side. 

You will almost certainly need to communicate with the other party, whether directly or indirectly, to sort out the divorce, particularly if there are financial or children arrangements involved. And obviously communication with the other party must be respectful if an amicable outcome is to be achieved. 

Keeping communication respectful can be easier said than done, but here are a few suggestions that may help: 

• Don’t try to score points – Remember, the communication is about resolving problems. Point-scoring will not resolve problems, and will likely only make it harder to reach an amicable solution. 

• Keep it on topic – Just raise the matters that are relevant to resolving the issue at hand. Raising irrelevant matters will just slow down and unnecessarily complicate the process. 

• Listen to the other party – Remember, their view on a particular matter may be just as valid as yours. And sometimes it may be the right view. Always allow them to put their point of view, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. 

• Manage differences constructively – Which brings us to the next point. Obviously, it is possible, or even likely, that there will be differences of opinion in the course of communications with your ex. But such differences need not mean the end of communication, if both parties are prepared to compromise in order to find a solution. 

• Put the children first – This is most important. If there are dependent children then obviously their interests will come above the interests of the parents. Any discussions regarding arrangements for children (or indeed finances) should therefore put the welfare of the children first. Remember, it is all about what is best for them, not what each of the parents wants, so don’t make demands without considering their interests. 

• Back off if it gets too emotional – Sometimes, you may find that a discussion becomes too emotionally charged. If this happens, take a break in the communications, to allow a ‘cooling down’ period. 

• Consider other methods of communication if face-to-face becomes too difficult – And sometimes it may be hard to speak to your ex face-to-face. If this happens, remember that there are other methods of communication available, such as email or text messaging. 

• Choose the right lawyer (see below) – Finally, keeping communications respectful will be pointless if you then instruct a lawyer who takes an unnecessarily aggressive stance, potentially undoing all of the good work you have done. You should therefore instruct a lawyer who takes a constructive, non-confrontational approach to the matter. 

4. Explore Alternatives to Court 

Obviously, in any divorce there are likely to be disagreements between the parties, which will need to be resolved, whether they are in relation to finances or arrangements for children. 

And obviously, if you want to have a good divorce then you should avoid using contested court proceedings to resolve those disagreements.  

Whilst it is possible for contested court proceedings to be conducted in a civilised manner, and whilst the court will do its best to keep conflict to a minimum (especially in children proceedings), it is still highly likely that the proceedings will increase animosity, and stress for both parties. 

So, anyone seeking a good divorce should consider ways of resolving disagreements without going to court. 

And the good news is that they have a number of options available to them. 

These include: 

• Negotiation: It may be possible to resolve disagreements out of court by simply negotiating with the other party, whether directly, or through lawyers. If an agreement can be reached, then it should not be necessary to attend court at all (although any agreement relating to finances on divorce should be incorporated into a court order, known as a ‘Consent Order’.) 

• Family Mediation: Whereby the parties agree to seek the assistance of an independent trained mediator, who will help them to try to resolve the matter by agreement. For more information regarding Family Mediation, see this page. 

• Collaborative Law: Whereby Both parties have a collaboratively trained lawyer and everyone works together, in the same room, to come to long term solutions that are beneficial for everyone involved. For more information regarding Collaborative Law, see this page. 

• Resolution Together: Where one specially trained lawyer works with both parties to help them achieve a resolution of the issues arising from their divorce. For more information regarding Collaborative Law, see this page. 

5. Choosing the Right Lawyer 

Even if you are seeking an amicable divorce, you will normally require the advice and assistance of a lawyer. And it is essential that you choose the right lawyer. 

Unfortunately, there are many lawyers out there who take the view that they are not doing the best for their clients if they are not conducting the case as aggressively as possible. 

But whilst an aggressive stance can be the right way in certain circumstances, for example where the other party is refusing to cooperate, it can actually do the client a disservice, by making it more difficult to agree matters, thereby increasing the time it takes for those matters to be resolved, increasing the costs involved, and the stress for all concerned. 

Accordingly, if you want a good divorce, you should instruct a lawyer who is committed to adopting a constructive approach to resolving matters. 

One way of finding such a lawyer is to look for one who is a member of Resolution, the association of family lawyers. Resolution members are committed to the association’s Code of Practice, which promotes a constructive, non-confrontational, approach to family issues, that considers the needs of the whole family. 

At Walker Family Law our specialist family lawyers are committed members of Resolution. We can therefore help you to a chieve a ‘good divorce’. To speak to one of our lawyers, simply complete and submit the form on this page.