What Can I Do If My Ex Is Turning My Child Against Me?

What Can I Do If My Ex Is Turning My Child Against Me?

1. Introduction: An Awful Scenario 

Obviously, any separated parent will want to retain as full a relationship as possible with their child, whether that be by having the child live with them, by a shared care arrangement, or by having contact with the child if they live with the other parent. 

But what if your child becomes reluctant to see you, possibly even refusing to have any contact at all? 

And what if you believe that this is happening because your ex is turning your child against you? 

It is an awful scenario for any parent to face. 

And if you are facing it then you need to be fully informed, so that you can take the right steps to resolve the matter. 

In this post we will explain what you can do if you believe that your ex may be turning your child against you. 

We will begin by asking the important question: why has your child’s behaviour towards you changed? As we will see, it may not necessarily be because your ex has sought to turn them against you. 

One parent turning their child against the other parent is often referred to as ‘parental alienation’, or ‘parental alienation syndrome’. Before raising such an allegation, it is essential to know how the law views alienation, and how the courts deal with it – this will be explained in section 3 below. 

We will then examine how to respond to the situation, including what you should and shouldn’t do, how to resolve the matter out of court, and, briefly, what can happen if court proceedings do become necessary. 

2. Why Has My Child’s Behaviour Changed? 

Unless it is quite obvious that your child has become reluctant to see you because your ex has sought to turn them against you, it is essential that before making any allegations you properly investigate the reasons for any change in your child’s behaviour. 

It is quite possible that your child’s reluctance may be due to other reasons. They may, for example, blame you for the family breakdown. They may dislike your new partner, or their children. They may simply not enjoy the time they spend with you, and may resent being taken away from the activities they enjoy when they are with your ex. Or it could even be something that you have unwittingly done that has upset your child. 

Any such situation will obviously have to be addressed, and you may need to discuss matters with your ex, in order to resolve the matter. 

If, on the other hand, it becomes clear to you that your ex is indeed seeking to turn your child against you, you should seek professional advice, as we will explain below. 

3. Alienating Behaviours 

As we mentioned above, one parent turning their child against the other parent is often referred to as ‘parental alienation’, or ‘parental alienation syndrome’. 

However, that term can lead to misunderstandings. In particular, it can suggest that, as a syndrome, parental alienation is something that is capable of being diagnosed. 

But that idea has recently been disabused. Guidance to the courts now explains that parental alienation is not a syndrome, but rather a process of manipulation of children perpetrated by one parent against the other, through what are termed “Alienating Behaviours”. 

The guidance goes on to explain that decisions of fact relating to allegations of alienating behaviour are a matter for the court to decide, and that a court would need to be satisfied that three elements are established before it could conclude that alienating behaviours had occurred: 

1. That the child is reluctant, resisting or refusing to engage in, a relationship with a parent or carer; and 

2. That the reluctance, resistance or refusal is not consequent on the actions of that parent towards the child or the other parent, which may therefore be an appropriate justified rejection by the child, or is not caused by any other factor such as the child favouring one parent over the other; and 

3. That the other parent has engaged in behaviours that have directly or indirectly impacted on the child, leading to the child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal to engage in a relationship with that parent. 

4. What To Do and What Not To Do 

Do: 

• Stay calm – If you believe that your ex is turning your child against you then obviously you will be upset, and even angry. But it is essential that you try to stay calm, hard though that might be. You need to stay focused upon what is happening, why it is happening, and how best to resolve it. Losing your temper will not help, and may even play into the hands of your ex if they are indeed seeking to alienate your child from you. 

• Try to discuss the situation with your ex – Obviously, whether this is possible will depend upon the circumstances. But if you can discuss your concerns with your ex in a reasonable fashion then you should do so. You may find that there are good reasons for your child’s behaviour, and that you can resolve matters without having to take them further. 

• Maintain contact with your child, if you can – If you are still having contact with your child, whether direct or indirect (for example by phone, text messages or WhatsApp), then keep the contact going, and try to make it as pleasant for your child as possible. Keep to scheduled contact times, even if your child is hesitant or resistant.  

• Keep a record – Keep a record, with dates, of everything that happens in relation to your contact with your child, such as missed contact visits, calls that are not answered, and anything your child says or does that suggests they may have been coached by your ex. 

• Seek professional advice (see below) – Last, but not least, seek professional advice from an expert family lawyer. Ideally, you should do this as soon as you have concerns that your ex may be turning your child against you, but you should certainly take advice if your contact with your child is being stopped. 

Don’t: 

• Interrogate your child – You will want to know what your ex has been saying to your child, and what has been happening at your ex’s home. It will therefore be tempting to try to find out by questioning your child. But you should never put your child ‘in the middle’ in this way. Interrogating your child can put severe pressure upon them, and may damage your child’s trust. 

• Attempt to retaliate by disparaging your ex to your child – It may also be tempting to ‘retaliate’ by disparaging or criticising your ex to your child. But this is just going to make things worse, causing your child to be confused and upset. 

• Attempt to force contact without all of the facts – As we indicated above, the fact that your child appears reluctant to see you does not necessarily mean that your ex has been trying to alienate them against you. There may be good reasons for your child’s reluctance, and forcing them to have contact with you could only exacerbate the situation. 

• Get into heated arguments with your ex – This will not help matters. And if the argument is witnessed by your child, it may even make things worse, by confirming in their minds what your ex is saying to them about you. 

• Try to take matters into your hands – If you are being denied contact with your child you may be tempted to take matters into your hands, for example by trying to see your child outside of existing arrangements, such as when they are at school. Again, this can just make matters worse. Go through the correct channels, as advised by your lawyer. 

5. Seeking Professional Advice 

As indicated above, you should seek professional expert advice from a specialist family lawyer, as soon as you have concerns that your ex may be turning your child against you. The sooner you consult a lawyer, the better the chance of matters being resolved without having to go to court. 

And if you haven’t already taken advice, then you should certainly do so as soon as you contact with your child is being stopped, as the longer contact doesn’t take place, the more difficult it can be to have it re-started. 

Walker Family Law has 30 years’ experience of providing expert family law advice. Our specialist team of expert family lawyers can provide you with detailed advice, tailored to your particular situation. They can, if appropriate, advise upon the various ways that your matter can be resolved out of court (see below), and can advise and represent you through court proceedings, if this becomes necessary. 

To speak with one of our specialist lawyers, simply complete and submit the form on this page.  

6. Resolving Disputes In and Out of Court 

As your lawyer will advise you, disputes over arrangements for children should, if possible, be resolved out of court. Court proceedings can take a long time, and involve considerable stress and expense. Ways of resolving disputes out of court include:  

• Negotiation – Discussing the matter with your ex, or their lawyer. 

• Family Mediation – Referring the matter to a trained mediator, who will try to help you and your ex resolve the matter by agreement. For more information regarding Family Mediation, see here. 

• Resolution Together – Where one specially trained lawyer works with both parties to help them achieve a resolution of the issues. For more information regarding Resolution Together, see here. 

If these methods of non-court dispute resolution are not possible, or if they are unsuccessful, then court proceedings will be required. 

Exactly what form the court proceedings take will depend upon the situation. If there is an existing order setting out arrangements for your child then you may seek to enforce that. If there is no order, then you may apply for an order that you have contact with your child, or even that your child live with you – known as a ‘Child Arrangements Order’. 

What order the court makes will depend upon the findings that the court makes (see section 3 above), and what the court considers to be best for the welfare of the child. It has even been known for the court to be so concerned about the welfare of a child if they continue to live with a parent exhibiting alienating behaviours that they order that the child be immediately removed from the care of that parent, and move to live with the other parent. 

Of course, your lawyer will be able to advise you as to what order you may expect the court to make in your particular case.