Managing Back to School Stress After Separation

Introduction: Navigating a New Term as Co-Parents

The new school year has just begun. It is a time of both excitement and anxiety, for children and parents alike. But for separated parents the anxiety can be far greater, as they have to navigate challenges that parents who live together do not face.

This post will outline key strategies for separated parents to manage the autumn school term, covering practical arrangements, financial planning, communication, and legal recourse, all with the child’s best interests at heart.

Parental Responsibility

Before we proceed, we need to consider the crucial matter of Parental Responsibility, as technically only a parent who holds parental responsibility has the right to make decisions relating to their child’s education.

There is in fact no ‘official’ list of parental responsibilities. Parental responsibility is simply defined as “all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property”.

However, it is clear that parental decisions relating to their child’s education fall within the definition.

The question, then, is: which parents have parental responsibility?

In relation to the mother, the answer is simple: she will always automatically acquire parental responsibility.

As to fathers, things are a little more complicated.

If the father is married to the mother, he will also acquire parental responsibility automatically.

Unmarried fathers, however, do not acquire parental responsibility automatically, unless they are named as the father on the child’s birth certificate. They will also acquire parental responsibility if the mother agrees to them having parental responsibility and a parental responsibility agreement is signed, or if the court grants them parental responsibility.

The Parenting Plan: A Foundation for Success

Obviously, things are much simpler for parents who are able to agree matters relating to their children’s schooling.

If agreement can be reached then there is no need to put anything in writing, but it may well be beneficial to put the agreement into a written Parenting Plan, so that it is clear to both parties exactly what has been agreed, thereby preventing misunderstandings.

Agreeing a plan can avoid you having to go to court to sort out schooling arrangements (for more about going to court, see below).

A Parenting Plan is not just about schooling. The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (‘Cafcass’) offer a Parenting Plan. They report that parents tell them that the many benefits of making a Parenting Plan together include:

• refocusing on the needs of your child;
• giving your child a sense of stability and security;
• helping everyone involved know what is expected of them;
• creating a clear agreement to refer back to; and
• setting out practical decisions about your child, such as living arrangements, education and health care.

With regard to education, a Parenting Plan can include such things as:

• School Notices: How the parents arrange with schools that notices, reports, invitations and other materials are sent to both of them, for example by ensuring the school has contact information for both parents (see also below).
• School Involvement: How each of the parents can get involved in school life.
• School Communication: Whether the parents need to contact the school about their situation, and its impact on the children, so that they can be supported in school as needed (see also below).
• School Run and Logistics: Establishing a clear, shared schedule for drop-offs, pick-ups, and late-starts/early-finishes.
• Shared Calendars: For example, using a digital calendar to track school events, parents’ evenings, and appointments.
• Holiday and Inset Day Arrangements: Planning in advance for half-terms and other school closures, to avoid last-minute disputes.

Communicating with the School and Each Other

Communication between separated parents and with the school is key to managing school-related stress after separation.

Both parents will normally share parental responsibility for their children, and if they do so they both have the right to be involved in the children’s education, as mentioned above. They should therefore, if possible, agree matters relating to their children’s education, and obviously this requires them to communicate with each other, in a reasonable and constructive fashion.

The parents should also both have full two-way communication with their children’s school(s), to ensure that they are fully informed about their children’s education, and that the schools know their views.

There are various things that can be done to improve communication between separated parents and schools. Here are a few tips:

• Contact Details: Ensure the schools have contact details for both parents.
• School Reports: Request the schools to provide duplicate copies of all correspondence, reports, and newsletters.
• Informing the School: Consider jointly informing the schools that you have separated, to help staff understand any potential changes in the child’s behaviour or routine.
• Parents’ Evenings: Agree on a method for attending these events – either together, separately, or by sharing notes afterwards.

Financial Responsibilities: Who Pays for What?

There are obviously various expenses involved in schooling, and it will be necessary to sort out which parent will pay the expenses.

School Fees: Of course, the school may be fee-paying, in which case there will be a major decision as to who pays the school fees. If the parents were married this will normally be sorted out as part of the divorce settlement, whether agreed or ordered by the court. If they were not married, then the parents will have to agree who pays or, if they can’t agree, then an application can be made to the court for a financial provision order, which will cover payment of school fees. (There is also of course the issue of child maintenance, which we will mention briefly below.)

Otherwise, agreement should be reached regarding the payment of other general schooling costs that will be incurred, including:

• Extracurricular Activities and School Trips: This is often a source of conflict, and can involve quite large sums of money. Obviously, no parent will want their child to miss such activities.
• School Costs: Such as for uniforms, stationery, school dinners, and school-related technology.

The following strategies can help resolve who should pay what:

• Proactive Planning: Whereby the parents discuss and agree upon an extracurricular budget at the start of the term.
• Fairness: Whereby the parents explore common solutions, like splitting costs equally, or proportional to income.

If agreement cannot be reached regarding the payment of these various expenses, then recourse may have to be made to the law, as explained below. However, as a generalisation, who pays many of these schooling expenses will not normally be specified by the law. Instead, they are often effectively taken into account in the calculation of child maintenance, so that the parent receiving it pays the expenses, with the help of the maintenance.

Legal Recourse: When Agreements Break Down

Of course, it will not always be possible for separated parents to agree all matters relating to their children’s education, and even if they do, agreements can break down. When this happens, the parents may have to have recourse to the law.

Child Maintenance: If the parents cannot agree how much child maintenance should be paid then one of them may apply to the Child Maintenance Service (‘CMS’). The CMS will assess the amount of the maintenance by reference to a formula, and can if required collect the maintenance from the paying party and pay it to the parent with whom the child lives. If the paying parent’s gross weekly income is more than £3,000, the receiving parent can also apply to the court for extra child maintenance, to ‘top up’ the CMS assessment.

Mediation: As to other disagreements regarding their children’s education, a parent may need to apply to the Family Court for a court order. However, before they do so they should give serious consideration to using mediation as a means to resolve the matter. Mediation is a process whereby a trained mediator will help the parents to reach agreement, if possible. Mediation is purely voluntary, so can only be used if both parents agree. For more information regarding family mediation, see this page.

If mediation is not possible or unsuccessful then an application can be made to the court for an order. There are three possible types of court order that can be requested:

• A Child Arrangements Order: This is an order specifying with which parent(s) a child should live and, if with one parent, what contact they should have with the other parent. Obviously, this does not relate specifically to the child’s education, but can have a significant bearing, particularly as the child is likely to go to a school close to the home of the parent with whom they live.
• A Specific Issue Order: An order giving directions for the purpose of determining a specific question which has arisen, or which may arise, in connection with any aspect of parental responsibility for a child, for example which school the child should attend.
• A Prohibited Steps Order: An order that no step which could be taken by a parent in meeting their parental responsibility for a child, and which is of a kind specified in the order, shall be taken by any person without the consent of the court. An example of this would be changing a child’s school without the other parent’s consent.

Whatever type of order is applied for, the court will decide the matter by reference to what it considers to be best for the child’s welfare. In doing so it will take all relevant matters into account, including:

• the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of their age and understanding);
• the child’s physical, emotional and educational needs;
• the likely effect on the child of any change in their circumstances;
• the child’s age, sex, background and any characteristics which the court considers relevant;
• any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering; and
• how capable each of the parents is of meeting the child’s needs.

Conclusion: Putting the Child First

To summarise, the key takeaways here are the importance of a plan, clear communication, financial foresight, and knowing your legal options. The ultimate goal, of course, is to put the child first, minimising stress for them and providing a stable, supportive environment for them to thrive, regardless of their parents’ relationship.

For more information regarding arrangements for children and how Walker Family Law can help you resolve issues, see this page