LGBTQ+ History Month

Centuries of criminalisation and stigma have their legacy in the internalisation of shame. Family members can feel this too and be vicariously stigmatised by association. Step families with LGBTQ+ members can face uniquely painful separations where a lack of biological ties can suddenly be held up as relevant and children can lose contact with much loved parents, step parents and grandparents.  

Family support can be lost altogether due to rejection, and it was in my case the fear of this which kept me for too long from “coming out” to my parents. I waited until I was qualified as a Solicitor so they could have something proudly to tell their friends.  

When I trained and qualified as a solicitor there were no legal protections for LGBTQ+ employees, so it was a very high risk decision whether to come out at a vulnerable stage of my legal career. It was not illegal either to discriminate in the provision of goods and services.

For LGBTQ+ people facing family breakdown and separation, it matters that those who we turn to for support are as switched on as possible to our needs. There can be an exacerbation of internalised shame which can make it extra difficult to admit that anything is wrong.

Personally, I have found a lot of strength in the findings of the research of Dr Brene Brown who is best known for her 2010 Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability, which  has 22.5M views.

She also has a less well known Ted talk called We Need to Talk About Shame.

She  has a powerful message which resonates loudly in many an LGBTQ+ experience : “Shame thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives”.    

I have recently had cause to research various Non Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR) / divorce coaching / therapeutic services. Despite my 30 years in family law, I have found it surprisingly difficult to distinguish those which are just good at marketing from those who are actually experienced and appear culturally competent to meet LGBTQ+ client  needs. Unfortunately this has opened my eyes to some disappointingly poor services and outcomes, although there are also some  amazingly good ones, where I have found people who instinctively understand Brene Brown’s conclusion that “The antidote to shame is empathy. If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. Shame needs you to believe you’re alone. Empathy is a hostile environment for shame”.  

LGBTQ+ History Month and Pride season can be a time for raising awareness,  for protest against the onslaught of homophobia, transphobia and other forms of hate. There can also be  joy in making connection with each other and our allies , but these seasons can be complex and tricky for lots of reasons. 

I openly wept in 2017 upon rushing  to a Law Society Stonewall lecture for LGBT History Month in Chancery Lane. I was emotionally floored to encounter a huge rainbow flag fluttering over the Law Society Hall at Chancery Lane. That one was especially emotional for me as I had not been back since I was admitted nearly 24 years earlier, watched by my proud solicitor Dad, to whom I was not then “out”. I had a second ticket which my Mum couldn’t use as she was a teacher, but my partner could have come, if only I had been able publicly to acknowledge her existence that is. I also love seeing on corporate socials all the rainbow versions of their otherwise boring company logos. These always gladden my heart in Pride season, despite a lot of obvious “rainbow-washing”.

I have been frustrated that so many services and self-help materials aimed at people going through divorce make lazy, offensive assumptions e.g. that people making enquiries about their advice needs are separating from an opposite-sex partner, or more subtly but outdatedly, that equality means treating everyone the same, without factoring in disadvantage or minority stressors, like inherently stressful concealment (aka The Closet).  

For LGBTQ+ people, there is the additional difficulty that language, and pathology and even therapy has so often  in our history, but also in our presence,  been weaponised against us. Reclaiming the term “Queer” from its use as a slur towards LGBTQ+ people has for many been an empowering antidote to bullying and trauma, whereas for others this term still feels highly offensive.  

Family lawyers and other professionals, however they may personally identify, are usually a pretty empathetic bunch, so may feel they need no particular additional understanding or competencies to work alongside LGBTQ+ colleagues, or clients, nor on cases involving their spouses, civil partners, children, grandchildren etc.

LGBTQ+ History Month is a chance to  remind people to stay curious to the experiences of LGBTQ+ friends, colleagues and clients, listening as generously as possible to their stories.

I have expanded on these themes in content available on Lawcare’s excellent knowledge centre. See more on LGBTQ+ Lawyers here and more on LGBTQ+ microaggressions here.