How do I know if my relationship is abusive?

Many people ask this question. You get a feeling that some aspects of behaviour feel wrong, you feel unhappy about the way your partner speaks to you, etc but it can be very hard to make sense of it all and even more difficult when you are trying to explain it to a professional or even a friend. You get the ‘gut instinct’ that tells you their behaviour is not ok, and no matter how hard you try to make them happy, keep the peace, your concerns never go away.

So, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:

• Does my partner treat me with respect? Do they speak to me courteously in front of others, or do they use it as an opportunity to belittle me.
• Does my partner value my opinion? Do they listen to me, try to understand my point of view or do they shut me down, ignore me, criticise me for speaking up.
• Does my partner encourage my interests? Are they happy for me to socialise with my friends, are they proud of my achievements, or do they try to sabotage my social life, make excuses as to why I can’t see my family, make fun of my hobbies.

• Does my partner have a positive, calm outlook on life or are they miserable, always negative, only happy if it is on their terms.

• Am I fearful of my partner’s reaction? Do I worry about what mood they are in, worry about disagreeing with them, am I scared they will punish me somehow if I challenge them? Do I feel intimidated by them?

• Do they use the children as a weapon – do they encourage the children to belittle me, do they treat me badly in front of the children?

• Do they take responsibility for their behaviour or do they shift the blame and make excuses for it.

All of the above is typical of coercive control.

Coercive control is about creating a sense of dependency, and a culture of fear and domination in a relationship – it is definitely not an equal relationship or a healthy one.

It’s very intentional and deliberate, designed to break down your confidence, your self-esteem and your identity –  it can also be very subtle, which is what often makes it difficult to spot. It also means it is often difficult to prove, they are not abusive all the time either – this makes it confusing but this is how abusive partners can ‘get away with it’. They can seem perfectly charming to others, but behind closed doors, be a complete bully.

 In the year ending March 2024, there were 45,310 offences of coercive control recorded by the police in England and Wales  – but we know only about 30% of coercive control is reported to police – you are definitely not alone if this is happening to you.

This kind of abuse can happen to anyone – to men, to women, to people from all cultures and backgrounds. Don’t think ‘it’s not bad enough’. If your relationship is hurting you physically or emotionally and you feel like you are having to ‘walk on eggshells’ around your partner, that is not ok. Get advice from a professional that understands coercive control, start educating yourself on these types of behaviours and start putting your needs first again.  

Written by Caron Kipping